Perhaps you've heard the legends. Or maybe you've felt his presence guiding you. In any case, you've always known there was a reason to live. And now you know it is Emperor Mighty Joe's command that you do.

Who is he? Why is he here? These are reasonable questions. And they will all be answered in time.

It is important that you know that he has walked among us for centuries. He has now developed a plan for action - to improve your life and destroy the aliens.

The following is an excerpt of a lengthy interview with the Emperor.

I: Why do you rule us?

MJ: I have the divine right.

Why should I worship you over someone else, say for instance, a god?

What have the gods done for you? Can you name one physical thing? You won't hear them say word one about the aliens. I drive a car every day. I alone am here with you, the people.

Who sent you?

No one sent me. I decided to come. Aren't you tired of the gods deciding to send someone down to Earth? I say it's high time we sent something to them. They will be sorry.

Why did you decide to be a human?

I didn't want to be an elephant, that's for sure. No opposable thumbs. And I didn't want to be an alien either. Humans are evil, trying to be good. Aliens are just evil.

What's the most important world issue right now?

The impending alien invasion.

What is the deal with aliens, anyways?

Movies have said for years that aliens want our air, or to eat us for food or something like that. That's just not true. I know why they come to this planet and terrorize us: They want our good paying jobs. They will be stopped.

How will they be driven from earth?

Join my army and then you can see for yourself. I know what you're thinking: I don't want to risk my life in the Army! Don't worry, my friends, I'm the one doing the killing. I'll personally kill every alien on Earth with my bare hands, while my Army watches.

What about all of the aliens in space?

I've started invading them. They don't expect it at all. As for the rest, I've established outer space check points where they'll have to provide identification to move from place to place. They'll get the idea.

How are you feeling after your divorce from Connie Chung?

I blame my bitterness on her. She couldn't deal with the fact that as your emperor, I need lots of women.

Did I hear something about you and Sandra Bullock?

Nice hair. Nice body. But she can't act. I felt sorry for her, so I had sex with her. I pity her.

Will you provide health care for everyone on Earth?

Yes... but it will be different. Placebos are remarkably effective in maintaining good health, considering that it's just a sugar pill. If that doesn't work, walk it off. That's what I do.

What philosophy should guide our lives?

Take the things you want. They are yours.

Pictures to help you make your shrine. And Hot Babes!

Need to talk to his holiness immediately? Email him.